What I Learned in My Half Year of Polyam.

So, if you caught last weeks post then you got a pretty good look at how I felt about polyamory a few weeks in. But as I was looking back, I realized that a lot has changed in the months since my partner became my partners and we started on having an open relationship as polyam people. I’m sure that there’s plenty of growth over half a year no matter what you’re going through, but it feels more…personal. And since I know that interest in polyamory is on the rise, I thought I’d give a look at the specific things I’ve learned six months in. I’ll go ahead and spoil the surprise now: I did NOT flawless anything.

You’re Gonna do a LOT of Talking

And I mean a lot. Polyamory is a little like running an experiment with highly corrosive acid: you really want to work out any surprises before you start. When we made the decision to be poly, there was a long discussion about what our relationship agreement was going to be. We went through everything we could think of, and it became very important that we were able to be blunt about the things we wanted, needed, and would rather not deal with. We talked about new relationships, what we needed from each other, even down to chores and day-to-day things. Now, you might not have to do that much work as we did (Seeing how we all lived with each other) but having an idea of what that might look like, or even if you want that is important.

Get Ready to Check a Lot of Baggage

When we first started, I thought it would only be a minimal change and I would probably be fine with everything that happened. What actually did happen is that I had to start working on all of my jealousy and self-worth issues because it becomes even more obvious when you’re worried that you’re not an option people would willingly pick if there was a better one. Change happens, and the more people involved, the more change is going to happen. I had to learn that if I want this to work, I have to do a lot more work on myself. This meant getting a therapist (Not always necessary, but never a bad thing) and work at it. Surprisingly, being polyam has done more towards learning about myself than my partners. They’ve also helped a lot in making sure I continue trying to improve rather than backsliding on old arguments.

It’s Fuckin TEAMWORK!

And damn do you get a lot of help.The best thing so far about a good polyam relationship is that you have more chances to ask for assistance. I was laid up in bed while we were trying to get a new couch and get rid of the old one and instead of having to fight through the pain and whatever med haze I was having, I got told to go lay down while my partners dealt with problems. When everything works, it feels like you’re never lacking a hand or bit of encouragement.

It’s surprising that it’s only been half a year with the amount of things that have changed. It feels like it was yesterday that we were all sitting in the living room trying to figure out what we’re doing. Which was probably the most important thing: that we’re still figuring it out. It won’t be perfect or easy, but it’s ours. Its our relationship, our family that we’ve chosen to have, and we get to build it however we like. I think that’s worth anything we have to go through to get there. It’s not like we’re going it alone, after all.

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