Why It’s Okay to be Polyam and an Introvert

Note: Due to yesterday being a holiday in America, the usual Monday post is today. Hope everyone had a good day yesterday, holiday or not.

One thing I love since I came out as Bisexual is all the new conversations I’ve been able to have with people. Not the ‘Oh, are you sure?’ and “But does your spouse know?” conversations. Those are an overall drain on people’s lives and we should really assume the answers to those. But I would probably spend more time conversing even with those annoying questions because I’m just so excited to talk to people. I’ve always felt that things could only get more interesting and fun the more people are involved.

My partners are a lot more introverted than I am and would rather stay at home or be in more intimate settings with a small handful of people. That isn’t to say that they’re wrong or I’m right; it’s all about how you have the most fun and what your limits and feelings are. For them, it’s physically draining to talk with too many people, and much more enriching to have their own bits of personal space.

While reading everything I could get my hands on about polyam, I noticed that there’s little talk of a polyamorous introvert. The information seems to be biased toward people who actively seek multiple partners rather than those who feel more at home with unbounded expressions of love and relationships, giving the false idea that an introvert just wouldn’t be polyamorous.

Polyamory, to me, is letting yourself feel however you feel about people and seeing how that develops. It’s enjoying the experience you have while still being mindful of those around you. It does not, however, mean that you have to constantly surround yourself with people, or that you have to have a full calendar of activities and meetings and dates. There’s no real requirement of the amount of people you date, just like there isn’t a requirement for who you date when you’re bisexual. (Slight aside: also not required to be bisexual or pansexual to be polyamorous either.)

Introverts are more comfortable with a few people instead of crowds, and that’s in no way counter to the idea of polyamory. You can be in several different relationships, all with loving partners, and still not be considered “outgoing”. If love is sharing intimate moments in each other’s presence, or having people who will understand that you express love by your choice of being with them more than going out to loud parties or constant activities that isn’t a problem. You’re status as polyam isn’t determined by the amount of relationships you have. You just believe that people can have multiple loves in their life and that monogamy isn’t something for you.

It pains me to see people to take only one configuration of Polyamory and use it to become a gatekeeper for the community. One of the joys of ethical non-monogamy, to me, is that you’re essentially painting your own picture. You take the “Frame” of not being exclusive to one person and wanting the informed consent of everyone involved, and you can paint whatever picture you want inside it. It can be filled with people, or only contain a few. You can paint the picture over and over, changing and adding and adjusting the colors of it and as long as it still fits in the “frame” then it’s still valid. So why say that you have to have a certain personality to get the most out of any kind of non-monogamy? Polyamory, and ethical non-monogamy as a whole, is about how you feel about relationships and how you want them to look for you in the future.

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