By now, I’m sure everyone has heard something about Avengers: Endgame. It’s literally the biggest movie in theaters right now and almost everyone is talking about it. I can’t go more than a couple of minutes without someone saying something about how they felt about it. (It also makes it hard to go on any social media without risking spoilers) It’s probably not an exaggeration to think that everyone knows SOMETHING about the movie.
And that’s also the worst way you can act about trying anything BDSM.
Now, I know a lot more people are becoming more aware of BDSM. I’d argue that it started a little before Fifty Shades got super popular, but the books are a definite point where kink started getting much more conversation in vanilla spaces. One downside to the movies and books (among a whole host of things) is give the impression that asking for consent is a mood killer. That, in some way, it becomes more sexy if you just do it and seem confident about it.
And I am going to ask you to please take that thought and put it directly into the trash. Just…straight into the bin. Also make sure to rub it against the trash that’s already in there just so you can associate that thought with the garbage take that it is.
You don’t want to ‘surprise’ anyone with any kind of BDSM or D/s anything. The only ‘surprise’ you should have is something you’ve both agreed that you want to try and that has been specifically said to be something to try without telling said person you’re about to do it. Consent and full disclosure are VERY important, not only for BDSM but for sex and intimacy in general that there shouldn’t be ‘surprises’ in that sort of setting.
Actually, there’s a whole kinda thing around people telling other people how they should “watch” Avengers:Endgame that has a very strict set of rules that they only point out after you agree, so maybe just don’t do any of those things when talking about your possible intimacy plans.
Instead, you should treat it like you’re asking someone to watch Orgazmo. And if you’re confused and slightly concerned, that’s kinda the point.
Something that I love doing is introducing people to things I enjoy. I love sharing something that spoke to me or changed how I thought about something. I’m also a huge nerd that was into anime in the early 90’s, which isn’t something people outside of that time are…well equipped for. Not only are a lot of the things I like older, but they have a style and premise that doesn’t lend itself well to going into blind. (Case in point, try showing someone the first episode of Paranoia Agent and see if they have any idea what just happened)
And one movie that kinda stands out in a way that I absolutely adore is Orgasmo. The basic rundown is that it’s an early movie made by Trey Parker and Matt Stone (This was a few years before South Park was a thing and I definitely would recommend their earlier work over the later stuff) and follows a mormon who gets talked into being the new start of this sleazy directors new porno about a sex-based superhero so he can get enough money to afford a big wedding for him and his fiancee`, which leads him to being an actual sex-based superhero and fighting crime and drug-dealers with a ray gun that causes orgasms. It’s campy, silly, and borderline offensive in parts, but it was also part of what made me think of sex as…well, fun! It wasn’t something that HAD to be serious and could be comedic.
It’s also weird as hell, so I make sure to give people an idea of what they’re about to be in for. I want them to have a chance to gauge their interest and let them get into the movie understanding what they’re into.
Which is exactly how you should introduce kink (or most anything) to a new partner. Giving proper chance for people to decide if that’s something they want to try. That it’s a choice and not something they just HAVE to do. That even IF they’re interested, that they don’t have to like it the same way you do.
So next time you’re thinking about the long list of ways that you ‘have’ to experience something that you feel strongly about, remember that it’ll be just that much better if you’re there with people who want to be, and not ones you dragged along to experience it the ‘right’ way.