Sex as an Experience, Not an Act

I’m willing to bet that everyone has failed at something. Some part of a plan was missing, or the scope of what you were trying was way larger than you anticipated, and the plan just doesn’t work out. Believe me, I understand that. I’ve felt that way about a lot of things, and I want to tell you a little secret. Well, two secrets. The first is, you are not your plans and have value even in failure. And the second is that you get more from failure than you would have from success. Cliche as it is, I’ve gotten more growth in the last year from falling flat on my face than anything else, especially with my sexuality.

The pressures to date people, or to date ‘specific’ people, was constant through a lot of my early school life. It felt like my peer group was looking at me and decided they knew the perfect person for me to try and ask out, date, or take to functions. But I also didn’t have the guts to tell them off about it. I was paralyzed with fear that I would be “Doing It Wrong” and that couldn’t be tolerated. Sex was a Big Thing and I had to make sure that the first time I did it was correct.

Thing is, sex isn’t nearly that important. Don’t get me wrong, sex is great. I love the connection I make with people even when being adjacent to it and it feels awesome. It’s not, however, the huge, important deal that everyone tells you it is. It, like a lot of other life events, are only as Important as you make them. And there’s nothing shameful for making it just another moment in your life. Without the added pressures of your ‘performance’ and more concentration on what feels better for you and your partner(s) you might find it easier to have the kind of sex that you want.

“But what if the thing we try messes up and it’s embarrassing?” you might think to yourself. There was one time in particular that me and a partner tried to have shower sex. It was going to be this awesome and sexy and since we’d seen plenty of porn where people did that, we wanted to give it a try. It was a disaster. The water was washing away the lube (we hadn’t known about silicone lube at the time), the heights weren’t right to line up (resulting in me almost slipping out of the tub), and my partner got a good amount of water up their nose (they did NOT think that drowning was sexy). It might have been terrible at the time, but later that evening we were laughing about it because it was so silly.

So my proposal is this: try to take yourself less seriously in the bedroom. Don’t think that every sexual encounter needs to be some super hot affair. You might be surprised how much easier it is to feel sexy when you’re not going over your lines in your head and trying more to be in the moment, no matter how that looks for you.

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